Just Because . . .
A little humor for your weekend enjoyment
I’m posting a roundup of some of the funny quotes I’ve had the pleasure of collecting on family trips. These are NOT from My Cowboy -- they’re from other members of my hilarious family -- mostly taken from Sunday breakfasts, family dinners, and road trips to tractor shows. I thought you might get a kick out of them, just for some entertainment this weekend. Enjoy!
“I couldn’t find myself for 30 minutes.”
“This is better than watchin’ cartoons.”
“It’s like riding a psychotic horse through a burning building.”
“If you come outta there bitchin’, you’re just a moron.”
“Anytime you need to know somethin’, you just ask me.”
“You even know where this thing is?”
“When that guy walked past, he said, ‘Looks kinda top-heavy to me.’, but it’s OK. I don’t think he was talkin’ about you girls.”
“I know what ‘dickhead’ looks like in shorthand, and I don’t appreciate it much.”
“It come outta my pants. It ain’t toilet paper.”
“The key to life is a good sticker.”
“I’d rather look at this than Playboy. Not that I can have anything from either one.”
“She’s the kind of woman that’d drive you to a rope and a rafter.”
“Thrice? You don’t hear Lionel Ritchie sayin’ ‘Thrice Times a Lady.’ There shouldn’t even be such a word.”
“It’s not every day you get an ovation when you come outta the bathroom.”
“They’re gonna do the River Dance. It looks really flashy with the orange shirts.”
“The price of tuition is going up.” . . . “Did he say prostitution is going up?”
“You’re supposed to avoid becomin’ emotional over a jackass.” . . . “Did she just call me a jackass?”
“Cats are ex-wives reincarnated.”
“Well! You CAN dig your grave with a fork!”
“I’ve been your little pincushion all day.”
“The roaches there were so big, they talked a different language.”
“I think he had his shorts on too tight.”
“I wanna keep Katy as my friend, cos I think she could burn a guy down pretty quick.”
“We get up in the morning and go to work. We don’t get to sit around the house rubbin’ our hernias.”
“Deno, take your shirt off and stand in front of this one and let’s get some shots.”
“You’re multi-talented, aren’t ya?”
“Ther lights ain’t very well constipated, are they?”
“Her face is like one big coin deposit.”
“I’m watchin’ my figurine.”
“When you get old, you do stupid things. Unless you done ’em all when you were young.”
“I will be nice, as long as they see things pretty much my way.”
“And just what IS a ‘festplatz’?”
“That’s a lively bunch up there. I hope no one dies before they get done.”
“How’d you like to have your ass hangin’ off the side of the Rocky Mountains in that?”
“Oh, look. Dolly’s gonna sing now!”
“Whaddayou want for that?”
“$30. Most of ‘em are ate up.”
“Yeah, well, you’re ate up if you think I’m gonna give that for it.”
“I don’t remember the name of the town, but we’re gonna call it Lisbon for now.”
“What’s that asshole’s name? No, not that asshole. The other asshole.”
“Oh, hell. Just leave it like it is. It ain’t eatin’ no hay.”
“No. I know your last name. What’s your first name?”
“We’re gonna have to wait for the next tram. You know the old man ain’t gonna ride nothin’ pulled by a green tractor. The next one is an Allis. We can wait.”
“I told you I know how to get there. I just can’t remember the road. Well, at least I think that’s the way to get there, but it could be the other road.”
“Is that a tea strainer?” . . . “Well, it’s either that or somethin’ you smoke dope with . . .”
“Those plastic chairs must be better load bearers than I thought.”
“It’s gonna take a lotta forgiveness for the language you use gettin’ it started.”
“They’re probably bonding. A little Barry White and a glass of wine.” . . . “You mean some Black Sabbath and a bottle of whiskey, don’t you?”
“You’re not bleeding from that, are you?” . . . “My ears are . . .”
“Well, they really drew a crowd!”
“Are you gonna sing the ‘Star-Strangled Banner’?”
“I’ll tell you what — if these beans come out half as hot as they went in, it’ll be somethin’ . . . ”
“Chastity and I parted company a good while back, so don’t put yourself out defendin’ my honor.”
“Well, you know . . . there’s not usually a whole lot to do in this town.” . . . “I know, that’s why I’m thinkin’ about startin’ a brothel.”
“You’ve been treatin’ me like a bastard step-child from Hell.”
“I need to go home before I get any meaner.”
“I AM that talented, but I’m not gonna do it in public.”
“That man is so kooky over you, it’s nauseating.”
“You can ask if you want something; just don’t ask me for sex, ’cause I ain’t that kinda guy.”
“Every time I drink a beer, YOU need to go potty.”
“I get some whistles now and then — some even from girls.”
“The worst thing you can do when you get in a hurry, is get in a hurry.”
“I feel like a knight without my armor.”
“I gotta do some things in front of her, or she won’t think she’s bein’ nosy enough.”
“I mighta said whorehouse. I don’t think so, though. I thought I said warehouse.”
“Well, I AM the gooroo.”
“It’s a good thing you don’t drink, or you’d just have to sit on the toilet with your bottle.”
“I wouldn’t be good at workin’ the suicide hotline. I’d say: ‘Please. Put ME out of YOUR misery.’”
“I had a wasp just stroll into the bedroom.”
“If those were my kids, I’d step out for a pack of cigarettes . . . in Manitoba.”
“I am exceeding the speed limit at this very moment.”
“I’m sort of a flashlightaholic.”
“I got a little carried away with the cattle prod, but it didn’t cause him any lasting problems . . . just a little arrhythmia.”
“You were about to sink into ‘old fogey-ness’.”
“Everyone needs a good steno pad.”
“The phrase ‘You’re a moron’ seems appropriate for this moment.”
“I’m a positive person. It’s just that some of the things I’m positive about happen to be negative.”
“What are those little Mexican barkin’ dogs?”
“You mean Chihuahuas?”
“Oh, yeah, Chihuahuas”
“I thought once I told you I was tenured, you might start showing a little respect.”
“I think he needs counseling of some sort.”
“Everyone knows you sew. So if they find me with a needle in my jugular, they’ll know . . .”
Have a great weekend, everyone!
Those are great!